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Do you measure your masculinity by the girth of your Maserati? Do you worry that a little piece of you will die if you drive a car that seats twelve? It’s time to put away such childish things and embrace the muscle-flexing machismo of the family minivan..Lets face it.. a Minivan at the Local Drive in Theater is like your private little box at a Hockey game!


You have two children. Then you were having a third. You owned a cool SUV with a backseat and ample trunk space. Back in the 1970s, this car could have accommodated a family of five. You could throw all three children in the back, forget to buckle their seat belts, and then haul them to Caldor, throwing hot-dog wrappers out the window every quarter mile. Those were the golden days of parenting, when you could endanger your children’s safety without other folks being judgemental .

In 2012, you cannot get away with this kind of car if you have three kids. No way. Standard child car seats are now roughly the width of a regulation NBA court. And your children are forced by law to stay in them forever..well  you get the point. Car-seat manufacturers and car makers have gathered in their underground troll caverns and devised a way of tricking us into buying a progressively larger car every five years, to fit the piles and piles of junk we cram into them as the by-product of being a standard American consumer.

Are you resisting thoughts of a van despite knowing, deep in your heart, that you will eventually succumb? Are you prepared to become a REAL MAN who rocks a Toyota Sienna?

Once you’ve procured your new van, the only thing left to do is choose an awesome nickname for it. After you brought it home.. the new white Sienna, you tried  christening it the Death Star. Then your wife’s friend said it looked like a giant marshmallow. Thus, your van is now the Marshmallow. But the man driving the Marshmallow ain’t no weak man. Believe that.


See you at the Drive-In Theatre 🙂

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